3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
