Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
