How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
