Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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