he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
