Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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