So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
