My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
