My room smells like vodka and shame
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
