I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
