I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
