ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
