I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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