I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
