we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
