first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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