dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
