The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
