I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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