Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
