I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
