Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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