There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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