Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
