i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
