My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
