Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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