I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
