i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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