I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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