so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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