dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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