After last night, I could never be a politician.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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