No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
