I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
