I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Let's get the cat blown out
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I party with great urgency now.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
