alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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