That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
