thus making me awesome and them whores
Just cropdusted the office
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
