The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
