Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
