im six kinds of drunk right now
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
