god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
