I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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