also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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