You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
