just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Can vaginas get frostbite?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
