I'm pants shitting drunk right now
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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