you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
this is an emotional support booty call
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
