I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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